Boss Managers
Boss Managers disconnect and disempower staff through negative feedback or disconnecting habits or no feedback at all. (When talking about boss managers I am talking about the bossy people that use these disconnecting habits all the time on subordinates thinking they are controlling them.) They see mistakes as opportunities to blame. They destroy morale. They think that they are the ones that get the results. Staff don’t enjoy being around a boss manager. Many don’t enjoy going to work and they may also gossip and complain behind the boss’s back. They take more time off work. This results in people being afraid to make mistakes, and so stops creativity. Workers are not focused on work but on problems with their boss. This can creates a culture of fear and stress. This is like taking money out of the bank. You create a deficit and you will have to pay interest on this deficit at some time in the future. The loss of efficiency and even the loss of good employees will result. You can’t fully control another, it’s false economy.
We can now start to understand the formation of our positive and negative belief system – how our self-esteem is affected through our relationships with others. We start to develop some irrational fears – the wants for approval, control and security – and the world becomes a scary place to live.
I did feel some guilt, regret and disappointment over my own communications skills with my children once I understood the habits of communication. We were never taught how to be parents at school. We usually did what was done to us. And even the best of parents have used disconnecting habits to try to control their children. I see the subconscious mind like an amazing computer that is being programmed by people such as parents, with absolutely no idea what damage they are doing. Luckily, we can reprogram it, and once programed, it becomes a perfect servant. Disconnecting habits are all about control but we can never really control another person. However we can have a positive influence over people by using connecting habits.
Guilt is one of the most ridiculous emotions we can foster.
Parents often use guilt as a method of control, but guilt is one of the most ridiculous emotions we can foster. Guilt offers a lesson and nothing more. You rob a bank, feel guilty, give the money back and never rob another bank. The guilt has served its purpose. I soon got over the guilt in my parenting skills and took the lesson to heart.
I wonder just how often you use disconnecting habits on yourself in your own negative self-talk and how guilty you make yourself feel. We often take over where others left off. You can become your own biggest critic, feeding your own negative self-esteem and negative belief system. You have to be careful about what you keep suggesting to yourself. Your continued suggestions will become your beliefs and what you believe you will see.
The new car or bigger house should be the by-product of a happy life, not the reason for it.
To simplify the belief system I will take an approach that many in psychological circles might not agree with, but I believe in simplifying things.
I group the non-limiting beliefs into the category of the true self – our positive self-esteem. The negative limiting beliefs I refer to, for simplicity, as the ego – our negative self-esteem. I see the ego as a protection mechanism that has developed to protect us from emotional pain, because much of it was created through the emotional pain we felt as a child. When the child thought it was a victim of something or someone, it sought approval, control and security; all the things it felt it lacked at that time in its life. The ego wants us to feel superior, but in the wanting of it, it makes us feel inferior. If we have the approval of others we feel superior. If we have control or power over others we feel superior. If we get money and possessions we feel secure and superior. Any want that is satisfied will soon be replaced by another want – and so the suffering of craving follows us – never satisfied. Don’t get me wrong here; there is nothing wrong with having a preference for the new car or bigger house but, it should be a by-product of a happy life, not the reason for it.
If you want sweet plums you don’t plant the seeds of a bitter lemon..
I use a technique with clients that you can try. I call this the time out technique. I like to make learning something fun. Learning to stop disconnecting habits and use only connecting habits can be fun too. First you need to commit these habits to memory. You can print them on a card and carry it in your wallet or purse. You can also write them on a piece of paper and stick it on the fridge. Read them often. If one person uses the disconnecting habits on the other they just respond by making a ‘T’ sign with their hands saying ‘time out, are you criticising me? ’ (Or whatever the disconnecting habit might be). The other person then has to smile and apologise without argument. I also get them to ask this question to themselves before saying anything. ‘Is what I am about to say going to bring us closer together or move us further apart?’ If what you are about to say will move you further apart, bite your tongue. If it will only move you further apart and you want to get closer, It isn’t worth the grief.
If you want sweet plums you don’t plant the seeds of a bitter lemon. What seeds are you planting?
